Rekindling the Holiday Spirit After Personal Loss

Join me and my two friends as we candidly share our experiences of celebrating traditional family moments without a partner. We discuss finding joy in the wake of profound personal changes such as divorce or loss. Sit with us, listen to our reflections, and explore the holidays through the eyes of Two Merry Widows and a Thrice-Divorcée.

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Transcript

Laura: 0:00

Now, before we begin, this is just a brief public announcement. We had some catastrophic mic issues on this round, so please, please, look past these imperfections and enjoy the show. Thank you for joining us today. This is Two Merry Widows and a Thrice-Deporcée. I'm your host, laura, and I'm here to discuss with my two very besties, judy and Bridge, about what it's like to navigate through the holidays when your holidays are actually really quite different without your husband, your other half. What does that look like, and how are we three coping? Now? Who would like to go first? I can, oh, me, me, me. Let's hear it.

Laura: 1:03

Well, since my divorce, I used to always celebrate with my spouse's side of the family, and this was the first year in probably 10 years that I was invited to celebrate with my family, with my brother specifically, so I was very excited about that it. It was so nice to be included in his world again, so it was almost a good thing. It was Right. It was you weren't with your third husband's family, you were with your biological family, and I mean that's a good thing that happened, considering my mom's been gone, for my mom died in 2011. So 12 years. Yeah, she's been gone, for my mom died in 2011. So 12 years yeah, she's been gone for 12 years and the first couple of years after her passing we all were together. But I was with my second husband when my mom passed, so I was splitting the holidays between my family and his family.

Laura: 2:00

And then I don't know what happened with my with after my third, after my second divorce. My family just kind of, I think they just kind of abandoned me. Yeah, I think I shock my family more than anything, because a lot of times it was like it's just, you know, they should be used to it by now. But so when I met my third husband, they just did not. They just did not invite me to family functions. Well, I guess they figured you were going to spend it with your third husband. They just did not. They just did not invite me to family functions. Well, I guess they figured you were going to spend it with your third husband. Well, and that's kind of how they always made the assumption that if they didn't hear from me, that my life was good and I didn't need any help or I didn't need them around or whatever, and the all, the whole time I was there, my brother and my sister-in-law were just like thank you so much for coming, thank you so much when you were there this year this year, that's good. I mean I felt like my God, have I been like? Is it me, am I the one that's the problem? And I've been like giving them the wrong vibes. Well, maybe you had been absent for a couple of years because you had been absent, so you know, and then maybe they assumed that that's where you wanted to be with them. I also felt like they didn't want me because of my failures, because you remember now my brother has been with his wife since they were in high school, yeah, and my sister's been with her husband since middle school. So I mean, I'm the only one that's been married multiple times. Well, let's face it, that's right. There's a song, all right, let's give them something to talk about. So it was very nice being with them this year and you know, especially with my dad, because he's kind of fading a little bit and just you know his memory and then him denying that his memory is going, yeah, so that's kind of how things. But it was a great day and I ended up going over my son's afterwards because he told me they were eating at three. My brother ate at one and we found out that my, his daughter is having another baby. Your brother's daughter, my brother's daughter, oh wow, that'll be grandchild number nine. What For your brother, or for your father? My brother has nine kids. Wow, nine grandkids. Thanksgiving was kind of a whirlwind for all of us because we were all like another one. Well, lala, tell us about your holiday. How was it? How was it different? What was good, what was bad, what was sad, what was good, what was bad, what was sad, what was happy? I wanted to ask you if, when you came home to mom and dad, you know, to dad, to the family, to the home, you know, did you do something that you did as a kid during this holiday season, or was it a whole new experience? It was kind of a whole new experience because this was probably the first year we all actually sat at a table together. Because my brother, because none of us. We all actually sat at a table together because my brother, because none of us. Well, my sister's the only one that really had a house big enough with a dining room table that was large enough to really fit the majority of us, especially the adults. So my brother just had a huge addition put on the house and they bought a beautiful dining room set and my, my brother, didn't show up, wasn't able to come because he was cooking turkeys for charity. So he made turkeys for people and they came and picked them up. I don't know whether he they were preordered or I don't know how, what exactly he was doing, but he was cooking turkeys and then giving them away, I guess selling them. I'm not really 100 percent sure what he was doing, but he couldn't make it because he was cooking turkeys all morning. And then we all actually sat at the same table and my sister-in-law beautifully decorated the table and it was me and my dad and his girlfriend, my brother and his wife, my sister and her husband, her two kids, my niece and her three children. Well, it sounds like quite a gathering. It was. It was really nice. And then, like I said, my son was supposed to eat at three. So I was like, ok, well, don't count me for dinner, I'll come for dessert. And I left. I went over there. They hadn't even started to eat yet and the roosters and the chickens were running around the backyard like crazy and it was fun. I, my son's like, let's go out there. And he, I said, well, do you need to feed them? What, what, what are they going to do, you know? Cause he can't, he can't let the dogs, and like started, like flapping its wings and like showing us aggressive, and chased my son and my son. It's like we're gonna walk off the turkey somehow. I'm like you better watch out, rooster, you might be dinner next. I saw a picture of that. Well, I saw photos of that rooster. It was a beautiful, beautiful bird, beautiful rooster, oh my god, absolutely gorgeous. And he and because At first he was getting like aggressive towards me, so my son kind of stepped in between, but the rooster started chasing us. Well, it sounds like you had fun. You spent time at your brother's, you spent time at your son's. It sounds lovely, sounds good. Lala, lala. I know you don't have any rooster stories, but how are you? I'm feeling fine. This year I decided to try something new and it completely failed. But whatever, I didn't want to cook a full turkey. So I thought, you know, I'll get some turkey tenderloins, roll them up, cover in butter, you know, add salt and pepper, throw some rosemary in there, and they came out dry as wood, I swear. One more thing, just cutlets, like turkey cutlets, yeah, that sort of thing. And hey, you know, at least the kids went out and got gravy, because that helped. You didn't make the gravy, they went out and got gravy. Of course I didn't make the gravy, oh my God, help you didn't make the gravy. They went out and got great. I didn't make the gravy, oh my god. But you know, the thing that I miss that's hilarious hungry was because my husband used to go out and deep fry our turkey or put it in the smoker and there was nobody in town more jealous than all the people next door because they were like oh man, it's mouthwatering, delicious. That's a very big difference from your husband doing all the cooking to then you having to do the cooking. I didn't do all the cooking, he just concentrated on the turkey and that's where we needed him to be, because he's the master at I don't know cooking meat. So we're not going to. Oh, stop, okay, so were your sides okay? Did you make sides to go with your turkey cutlets? Yes, I made sides. And of course we had to have green bean casserole and it has to be made a certain way or else it is considered trash. Doesn't one consider green bean casserole trash? My husband loved it, nasty anyway. No, no, anyway, you cannot have fresh beans. My husband had to have the canned beans with the canned cream of mushroom, with everything canned, and just yeah, and the French onions and top. I know you can't see this, but Bridget's jacking her. I am all about fresh vegetables. Well, I eat fresh green beans, but I made it exactly how you described. Oh, curls, do some fresh green beans. But I made it exactly how you described Curls, do some fresh green beans in a pot with some smoked neck bones and some salt and pepper and stew them for a minute. Oh, my Lord, okay, I'm not. I'm sorry, you're not going to buy me on. Green beans with cream of mushroom soup. And then I put, and the thing was, I put cream instead of milk and whipping cream instead of milk in it and I whipped it up. Why do green beans with cream of mushroom soup? And then I put, and the thing was, I put cream instead of milk and whipping cream instead of milk in it and I whipped it up. Why do green beans? This is an entirely different subject. Why do green beans mean cream of anything on top of them? My husband liked it that way and that's how he was going to have it. Well, I'm sorry that you missed that this year. I am. She had it. Oh, you had it, yes, lovely. Was it good? Was it edible? I have to admit that my French onions were a little outdated and they were kind of not as crunchy as they could have been. I bet your husband I bet your husband maybe, who used to cook, actually sliced onions and fried them and made them nice and crispy? Maybe Al? No, they were from a kid. Cook actually sliced onions and fried them and made them nice and crispy? Maybe al no, no, they were from a kid. Did you know? He was concentrated but you can make like concentrated on the turkey, but, um, this conversation has gone off the rails. Off the rails, you know, bless max, he was like we need to leave his chair open. Oh yeah, of course, course, no problem, that's so sweet. Did you set a place that is so sweet, open? All right, I didn't think that far into it because I'm just spontaneous thing. So that's a good idea. We'll do that next year. That is very thoughtful for an 18 year old to be like let's leave a place open for dad and that's very sweet, yeah, but we did leave the green bean casserole in place of his dish. So there you go. It was okay. Did the spirits of Thanksgiving past eat that green bean casserole? It's practically gone, guys. I still have a little bit left of mine. But, yeah, missing, oh, I miss his cooking so much. Oh, oh, I bet he was such a good cook. Um, yeah, he would inject the turkey yum, making sure it was dry so that it wouldn't blow up in the fryer. It's very never go out there, because I was terrified you have to get all the water off to deep fry. Yeah, deep fry, it's very important. I bet that was delicious. I'm sure that's very difficult. I think it takes. I think it takes a lot to deep fry. I really think it is. I think it is. My son smoked a turkey this year for the first time. It's good, whatever you put on, it set my mouth on fire. Maybe his seasonings were just too spicy. He's like yeah, mom, I think I used the spicy seasoning. I was like you think Blame's coming out of your mouth and then I had to go buy lots. I ate a whole thing of Tums. Oh, my gosh, that's yours. But the food was good it was just I can't handle spices like a normal person anyway. That's it was good, it was just I can't handle spices like a normal person anyway. So that's because we're old, we're over 50. I used to love spice, I still love spice. I try to eat a lot of spice and it does hurt my stomach, hurt my tongue, hurt my. You know what. It hurts everything Acid reflexes. It's bad, yeah, but I still love. I will put some pickled jalapenos on just about anything. I love them. Who came to visit with you for Thanksgiving this year? Well, max's girlfriend. She lives in Massachusetts. She came, she drove all the way down here just for the holiday. That's very sweet. She had a little time off of school, but on Thanksgiving she was doing her schoolwork because she thought she had to have it in by the next day, and then she contacted her teacher. She's like I don't think I'm gonna have it ready. She's like I was not due till tuesday. Oh, wow, oh, the pressure was off. So well, that's good. So it's just the three of you guys, it's just the three of us. Oh, that's sweet. Yeah, they did, they I. It took the pressure off of me. I mean I really wish I could have given him something a little bit more spectacular, but we just, we all had a very lazy day. We all spent time together on the sofa, we watched whatever we were watching, and I just would cook something and then put it on the table and cover it in aluminum foil. Then I would cook something else and put it on the table in aluminum foil. Then, finally, it was time to eat and we sat down. It was just so chill. Now, do you have a tradition of watching the Macy Day Parade? Did either of you? I do. It's a big thing for me, but because I don't have cable anymore and only have streaming services, I couldn't find it. It's on NBC. You have to download NBC and I don't think you have to pay for the NBC app. I think the NBC app is free. I don't know that Because I watch NBC, we watch streaming. It's on CBS too, because there's different moderators the Peacock or the because you can watch Peacock and watch live NBC stuff. But I do have the NBC app, so I have NBC app, watch Peacock and watch live NBC stuff, but I do have the NBC app. So I have NBC app and Peacock app, and Paramount Plus is the CBS and they also did the parade. Well, I saw the Pennsylvania, so I think it's just about finding it. It's great. It's just as lovely, because that was the one that my son actually attended one year for he was in. As lovely Because that was the one that my son actually attended one year, for he was in choir and he was on the stage. Oh, that's cute. Yeah, that was a good story. My daughter's boyfriend they watched. We have YouTube, he has YouTube TV, so they're able to watch a lot of live stuff. So he sat down with another name and another name Everybody knows my granddaughter. Anyway, my daughter had to work at the hospital so she got all tense Thanksgiving Day the night before. Oh OK, so she tries to put in hours when she can, and so he got up and she came home, he let her sleep and she. He got up with her granddaughter and I came out and they were watching the Macy Day Parade and I just thought it was just so cute. It's a nice parade. I don't know something about hearing the bands and the music and everybody's so excited, betty and the balloons. It just really brings you into the mood. They watched that and then I did my thing, but I had it on, I had the TV on, I had the parade on, I had the volume up, but I was in the kitchen. Yeah, that's what I did too. So, yeah, I did. How was your Thanksgiving? What has changed for you, if anything? Well, not much, honestly not much, because we always went to one of my family members. Well, we did sometimes try to go to his mother and father's, spend an hour or so there and then go to my sister's. So that's a little different. But overall, I mean, it's really not that that much of a change, because it's always I'm making something or two somethings, not green bean casserole I scoff at that comment. So we, I make usually mac and cheese is my, is my thing, that's my jam. I always got to do the mac and cheese and sometimes other things, and so I still do that and I still Head up to my sister's house. So I went to my oldest sister's, my oldest sister's this year, second or third year in a row. She has been battling cancer since my husband died, literally six months, six weeks after my husband passed away, she was diagnosed with cancer and says she's still battling, that she's a little immunocompromised, so we don't have a lot of people and fanfare at her house. But did she eat anything? She actually really she's. She's. She's feeling much better, she's really. That's a relief. She's really doing much better. She did eat, doing much better. She did eat. Funny story she cooked the turkey upside down. Not knowing she cooked the turkey upside down. So I take this turkey out of the oven because I'm going to take it out of the oven. I'm going to make a gravy. I need the drippings from the bottom. And I'm looking at this turkey and she told me she she had put a 13 pound turkey in the oven. So, looking at this turkey and I'm like that's the sickliest turkey I've ever seen in my life. I'm like what is wrong with this turkey? Because it really was golden brown. You know, I was like what is wrong with this turkey. So you know, I kept staring at it and then I realized the damn thing's upside down. Anyway, I flipped it over. It was very moist, but the skin on the top was not moist, it was not palatable. We had to take that skin off the top of the turkey breast, but you know otherwise it was savory. I mean the top of the turkey breast, but you know otherwise it was savory. I mean the turkey. Yes, the turkey itself was. Was it really was it really was. It was quite tasty, but you, you didn't want to look at it. My neighbor purposely cooks her turkey so she's like halfway through the baking, well, she flips it or, like at the last hour, she flips it and then puts it back in breast up. Right then the skin will golden and crisp up on the top. Maybe I'll try that. No, it's actually a very good way to cook a turkey. But my sister had no idea and I pulled this thing out and I was like there's something wrong with this turkey. I tried to tell bget. I said, well, maybe she was trying a new recipe. She didn't do it on purpose, because when I said something to her she's like oh yeah, I might have done that it was early. But you know what? I'm glad that she had the strength, she got up, she made the turkey, she made the stuffing. I'm so happy, it was good, it was good. So here we are. The thing is, honestly, I missed my husband because my husband wasn't there. But in terms of like, having a major like disruption in the Thanksgiving Day tradition, it really wasn't that disruptive because if you look at you know, if you just look at the bigger picture and what we always do, I get up, I cook something, we get in the car, we drive to one of my sisters and we have Thanksgiving dinner, right. So, this being the third year that I did not have my husband for Thanksgiving, year that I did not have my husband for Thanksgiving, I think I'm kind of getting used to it. I'm not happy about it, but you just get used to a new normal. Yep, this is the new normal and it's okay, considering that I would get up and make macaroni and cheese anyway. I would get up and whatever. Well, I like to taste the cheesecake you made. It's pretty good. I'm going to have to force you to come over here and cook for me one day. You wouldn't have to force her, really. Okay, what do I need? Just a bottle? Yeah, okay, all right, two bottles. Now, when it comes to Christmas, I mean it's hard because it's just me and Max, and so it's hard to make it special. Note to self, don't pour wine during the taping. Does any of your family come down at all for Christmas? No, because it is quite a distance. And then where do they stay? You know, yeah, they can do a hotel. But, girl, put some air mattresses out there in the living room. I sleep on an air mattress, you sleep on an air mattress, she sleeps on an air mattress at my house, or I sleep on a couch, depending on where I fall. It's been out there for two years. I haven't put it away. Would you consider going up there this year, since it is just next? Well, we would have to stay in a hotel. She fidgets a little nervously. It's just traveling, even by road, by train, it's dreadful, it is. Traveling is terrible. I hate traveling, so I'd rather go during a weird summer, out, you know a day or something, and not a holiday. But when it comes to having christmas here, it was a big deal. It would be all in the basement. I would decorate like crazy. He would pull off the doors in her closet so that he can snug the tree inside the closet, because there's just not enough space in this house. We have a dinky little house. I love my house, but it's small and I'm a big person, so he would tuck the tree in to the closet. I don't think someone's recording that is recording, see, recorded. But look, this one has been flat the entire time Because I'm quiet. No, it's been flat the entire time. Trust me, I'll show you. I gotta go to the bathroom. That concludes our taping of Two Merry Widows and a Thrice Divorce Day. We were taking a slight break, let's just say a two week break, to do our part two of our holiday series Of only two. Anyway, happy holidays, bye.