Two Merry Widows and a Thrice Divorcee
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Two Merry Widows and a Thrice Divorcee
Unexpected Post-Loss Challenges and Other Absurdities
Grieving the loss of a loved one can be emotionally challenging. However, there are some unexpected situations that arise after their passing. For instance, what should we do with their cell phone? Should we keep it on so they can continue to receive spam calls in the afterlife? And what about the unfinished home projects they left behind? Maybe they were waiting for us to complete them all along! Tune in to learn more about these peculiar predicaments and how to deal with them without losing your last piece of sanity.
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Disclaimer: This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and not a substitute for therapy. Please seek professional help for your specific situation.
and we're just gonna go. I know I hit the wrong button. Do you not know what silence means? I hope to goodness our volumes are good, because we're just going to wing it. Y'all, we're winging it. Someone doesn't know what silence means. I'm trying to be Judy, I'm trying to make sure I'm on the right one. So what's our new? Welcome to our podcast.
Speaker 1:Ladies and gentlemen, now that I'm in, I don't remember starting the airwaves. What did we normally say? What did we say? It was really on point, oh God, because it was like I think we said welcome to the. We are podcasting today, ladies and gentlemen, or something. It was so funny, of course, it was too good to remember. Next time we write it down. Okay, welcome to our podcast today.
Speaker 1:Ladies and gentlemen, today's topic is about the milestones that I'm going through three years after my husband passed away, and I wonder if you can relate. Where do I even begin? Yesterday was the third anniversary of my husband's passing. Are we recording? Yeah, recording, yeah, oh, I can't see them. Oh, I'm sorry. Rich, can you see it now? Rich likes to see the little little voices, because I didn't think we were. I'm like why is she saying all this to us? Oh, my god, where's your dog? Where's your dog? Where's your dog? I didn't know we were okay. You didn't do it at the beginning of the podcast because you didn't know we were podcasting. I thought we were just still talking.
Speaker 1:The monsters I am not gonna. If I don't see every single time, if I don't see the things moving, I don't know it. If I don't see every single time, if I don't see the things moving, I don't know what's real. I hope this is going well. Is it live or is it in the works? Yeah, okay, this is the third anniversary of my husband's passing and I have.
Speaker 1:I, I don't know about you, but I've learned through years of therapy that I need to take the time to process. So yesterday it was all about I'm just going to sit here and remember the good times and feel the feelings and I don't know. I just had to get through it. You know that third year anniversary and one of the things that was a real hardship for me was the fact that it took me what was it? A year and some change to actually commit to creating a headstone, actually commit to creating a headstone. And then it took me, since I'm a graphic designer, months of back and forth with the company, the headstone company, to get it right.
Speaker 1:And I don't know about you, ladies, I don't know about you, bridge, but I don't know if I'm taking this on sideways, but I feel like when we're at our worst moment, people are out there to take advantage. I believe that, yeah, and I feel like I got caught up in that with this headstone company. It's very unfortunate. You feel like they took advantage of you. Yeah, they could have done such a better job. They could have definitely taken better care of me, and I already was an emotional wreck, even a year after his passing. I couldn't make those decisions.
Speaker 1:What are you going to write on it? I don't know, but it has to be perfect, because this is the end of his life and what I write on this headstone is going to matter to my son, our son, and it's going to be there for him and it's going to be there forever. And I remember finally having written it and it was beautiful and it was from the heart, and then somebody in the family read it and said this needs to be in it, and that was another month of back, or another couple months of back and forth with the company to get it right, and I can't tell you how many times I wished it was over, but finally it went in last Thursday and my son and I went there on Saturday, which was the 30 year anniversary, and he just told me that he was so thankful that he had a place to go and he knew where his dad was at so that he can mourn him properly. And, coming from a 19, 18, almost 19 year old, I thought that was very mature, deep, significant. It was very deep, yes, significant. I mean this is a huge progress, that's. I mean it's a milestone. It's a milestone. It's a milestone for you guys, because you can let you lay to rest that part of having to get the headstone placed. It's done, it's there. Max can now go and visit his dad, you can go and visit your husband and you'll know where he's at and you'll know who you're talking to. And it's almost like three years that's a long time to have to go back and forth with trying to get the headstone just right, because I can't. I can imagine that every time you had to talk to somebody about it, that hurt comes up again. Right, yes, you're right, it does.
Speaker 1:And for them not to have taken care of you and had more empathy and handled you, mean they might be in the wrong business. They might be in the wrong business because you I mean in situation they should be handling you with kid gloves. They should be handling the widow or the mourning family with such care that you should feel like you're the most important customer they have and that they want to do the best job that they can to make you happy. And it sounds like they didn't really accommodate that for you, especially with it sounds like they didn't really accommodate that for you, especially with it taking as long as it did. And maybe they were. Maybe they will resent that you were a graphic designer that was better than them. Maybe they were a little jealous of your skills and abilities Could have been.
Speaker 1:You know, yeah, and I mean you you were seeking, you were seeking perfection, because that's what you want for your husband and doesn't he deserve it? He does Absolutely. And they and they should have understood that and focused on that and accommodated you on that. They should have been like more empathetic towards you and more yes, we understand we need to get this right and just be there to help you push this through, and I think they're not even feel, though, now that it's there, that process is done and it's there, it's heavy, it is definitely a weight off my shoulders and I feel like I can think of something else. Like that's all I've been thinking about for the past three years. It's always been in the back of my head, like is it going to be done this week? Cannot, you know? Like, just one of those things is it was the last thing Like all of the paperwork is taken care of. You know the taxes, you know ahead of the household now, blah, blah, blah. But you know, all of that stuff has been done years ago.
Speaker 1:Right, and this is the final statement, the period to his life, and it's also hard to swallow because this really means that it is the end. And, yes, he's been gone for three years. I know, but this is it. That's really. This is it. There's some finality to it. Finality yeah, that's the last thing that you have to do as a couple, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And now it's just you and your son and and and going through all those decisions. People want to help you. Like you're, like you send the, you know the, the writing for the tombstone to your parents, to your family, to friends, and they just don't want to comment because it's, it's really all, it's you, period. You've got to make the decisions Right, and it's. That was hard because I didn't want to do that to them, but I needed help. I was like that was hard because I didn't want to do that to them, but I needed help. I was like I can't do this alone, right, and so at least we're finally here, and so I spent the day mourning my husband again, which is really every day.
Speaker 1:But you know, what really hurts, though, is when you're concentrating on. A day like this is one of the most the biggest thing that has happened in your life that you can't ever forget but nobody else remembers, and that ruins you. That hurts like they'll text me something like, hey, had a great day, guess what just happened? And you're like should I send them a picture of us at the cemetery? You know it's like please just give me a few minutes, a few moments to. We remembered you, girl.
Speaker 1:I know you guys were great, and the other thing I mean and I get it from experiencing it with my mom, but I, I mean that's a little bit, that's definitely different than a spouse, but especially your close family members. I mean I, he remembers and he's always going to remember, but, like the extended family that, the cousins and in-laws and all of that and they, the first thing that they come out to you and say is, hey, that's what I did today, like as you're at the cemetery, not, hey, you know, how are you today, how are you? You know, how are you today, and then start the conversation with that morning text to you, remembering that you know, hey, how are you? So this day we all, it's not as bad. I mean we don't do it as much as we did in the first couple years of my mom's passing, but on the anniversary of her, of her birth, on her birthday, their wedding anniversary and her death, anniversary of her death, we all would send a group text to each other just to check on each other, and we probably did it for the first five years now my mom's been gone.
Speaker 1:12 doesn't mean we mis-adjust as much as we did three years ago, ten years ago, but the hurt is a little bit less and we don't get as weepy. I think that's the drugs anymore, the lexaprofiles. I don't get as. I feel like. I don't get as teary-eyed, I think, as time passes and I'll say this again and again and I've said this people say, oh, time heals all wounds, and I don't believe that, because some wounds don't heal, but I do believe that time makes them all just a little more, a little more takes the sting out of it. Yeah, I mean, it really does, it does.
Speaker 1:And for you, for this to be the third year, but to also have this significant milestone of having the headstone put in, that's hard. Yeah, because it brings it right back, brings it right to the surface, right back. I'm crying, I mean, and I, I mean, I look back, brings it right back, brings it right to the surface Right back. I'm crying, I mean, and I, I mean I look back on my experience with my mom and with my dad watching him go through it. And we got, we were fortunate that her, her, her situation didn't take as long, but when we did finally get to do it, to turn her into the columbarium, my dad had put his name on it and that, and seeing his name on there, because it has her name, I know it's his birth, his birthday, but it doesn't have, it doesn't have a death date.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it has my mom's birth date and death date and her nickname, and then, and then we there's not enough room to put like sayings or anything, because it's just a really small little placard but he, his comment to us was see, I already got our name, my name on there, so you guys only have to put the day I die on there. And we were just like, yeah, this is not the day, that kind of stuff. But that's, my next step is to get that done, so Max doesn't have to do it. Well, right, and that's what that, and in planning all of this my dad now has, he's already made, he's already pre-arranged, made all his pre-arrangements. He, where he's going to be, where he wants to be, how he wants to be. The only thing he's left up to us is like, if we want to do any kind of prayers and the little cards, the prayer cards and stuff like that, that's all up to us.
Speaker 1:But as far as, like, the cremation and what is going to be put in, how is you know all that? Well, you know, and that's good because that helps lessen you know the burden I don't want to say burden, but it's a burden because you're grieving, right, and so that does help. But we're talking the difference between a 49-year-old dying unexpectedly Right and an 80-something-year-old who already knows this is coming Right. And that's what I was going to say. I mean, when you're left carrying that unexpected loss, yes, that's what's hard. It's going to be so much easier for us, mm-hmm. Yes, that's what hard stuff is. It's going to be so much easier for us. I mean, maybe the death will be unexpected or it will be fast or whatever, but we know it's coming, but you didn't know, you were completely blindsided by it. So for you to have to deal with making the arrangements, contacting family, contacting the funeral home, contacting the cemetery, just putting it all together, did you have anyone come with you when he first passed? I don't know if you went to the funeral home or the hospital or anything like that.
Speaker 1:When he first passed, everybody left and it was just Max and I just sitting here alone wondering what the hell we're going to do. And we had decided, after having called his mother, that an autopsy was necessary because he's 49 and he seemed healthy 49 year olds just don't drop dead, right, but they do. And we found out that it is and there's a condition and I just really didn't want to put him through that and Put Al through that, yeah, even though he had passed. But they had to take him into Baltimore to the coronary's office. Was there Coroner's office? And do you know what they do? It's just awful, I just can't, oh my God. Anyway, when we found that out, you know, a lot of my friends decided to go get checked because they're like this is crazy, right. So at least you know that that helped their health journey, you know, right, but we were alone. It gave me awareness for your, for max's yes, journey. So, max, if it's something hereditary, you need to know, you know, because you want to make sure Max is safe, and I think that's one reason why he's so into fitness. He loves to go to the gym and he loves to take care of himself, which is great, right, and he's also a 19 year old and wants to look good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, my mother-in-law and my father did come down as fast as they possibly could, and then I did have support, and I do remember somewhere somebody saying that dad couldn't leave late. Even though I was going through the worst moment of my life, I was still functional in order to make sure the funeral arrangements were set, the paperwork was done. I called all the right people. And it was during COVID, you know, so I had to make sure people didn. It was during COVID, you know, so I had to make sure people didn't flood the gates at the funeral home, or I'll say they would turn, you know, shut off the funeral.
Speaker 1:You know, it's just like one thing after another. Where, how am I even existing at this moment? But how much of it do you vividly remember? Or is it more like cause, I don't know? I don't know. Sometimes you don't remember certain things because it just is so overwhelming. It was overwhelming, yeah. So I mean, do you look back and now probably think how did I, how did I manage that? Do I have to look back? You don't, you do not, you don't know, you don't. I'm just saying who else is going to do it? I think that's the bottom line. No one else was going to do it, so I had to do it and I wanted him to be taken care of, and I wanted him to be taken care of the way I think he should be taken care of. So therefore, it had to be done and now that the headstone's in place, after the three years of putting this in hell to get it done, you can actually be at peace. And you can actually be at peace and breathe and now you can focus on the good memories. Wow, I know, I mean I feel so blessed that I had so many people around me.
Speaker 1:I didn't make any phone calls. No, I called my two sisters and texted Judy because she thought we were going out to lunch that day. And then you can't say what you said and I pick up the phone when I call and she's like I've got people here with me, it's okay, I'll talk to you when I can. I was like okay, I know she's taken care of, I just didn't want her to be by herself and that was what I worried about. That's what I love about you guys, but they made all the phone, I mean.
Speaker 1:So, as far as the autopsy, it's a rough process and I basically, even though my husband was 60, we didn't expect him to die at 60. His doctor knew his history well enough and had a pretty good idea of what it was that it was a pulmonary embolism, and so he called it while you know. But the body was still at my house. But the body was still at my house and I asked the EMTs and everybody else who was still there, did they need to take his body to the hospital. And they said only if you want an autopsy done. And I didn't, because I felt like I knew what happened. I saw it happening. What the? What happened? I saw it happening. The doctor conferred based on you know the, the descriptions and whatever. And I was like we know what happened.
Speaker 1:The autopsy process is rough, if you know. And I was just like I don't want to put him through that. So they took him. They said well, then you can just call the funeral home and have them come get him. So that's what we did. Somebody called the funeral home. I said I picked a local one down the street and somebody at my house thank goodness, because I didn't have to make any of those wrinkles they called, they came, they got him and when we went to the funeral home a day it was like a day or two, it was fast it was like a day later again, I was still a mess.
Speaker 1:I kind of remember this hawk and I had my mother there, my two sisters there and collectively we said, yes, do this and do that. And I knew what he had wanted. We had been talking about. You know when we pass and when we die and what do we want, and so I knew what he wanted, so I could say this is what he wanted. And you know, it's really weird. I don't know if I ever told you this.
Speaker 1:I had a dream the night after he passed. I saw like a blue urn and it had like gold wings and I was like I want a blue and gold urn. They had a blue and gold urn. We've seen this urn. I see his urn and I and my greetings to him hi, mike, I am gay and it's a little shorter than in my dream. In my dream it was taller but it's a little shorter, but it's blue and it's gold filigree and it has like a gold filigree butterfly on the top of it and it's short and stout and it's round. I said that's just like him. Yep, sure is. I said that's perfect, that's perfect. So that's really the only. I was like I have to find this urn that I saw in my, in my dream and it was very, very close enough and but it was hard and but I did have a lot of family and they did make those phone calls for me and I can't imagine having to make those phone calls? Yeah, especially because you don't have any family locally. You know everybody's out of state, right? I mean, I have an outside living close by in Glenburn. Okay, were you close to them, though I know.
Speaker 1:Just a warning to the people out there who are going through this If you're a widow, do not read the coroner's report. I had to call them to find out what was going on, and then they explained it to me and that's all I need to know. There was no reason for me to read every single word of the coroner's report, because it was absolutely dreadful. And does that come out if you get an autopsy? Yes, okay, because I was going to say I don't know that was what they did. They gave you the autopsy report. Yes, they sent it to you, yes, yeah, I think I would rather Can you just summarize it in a paragraph or on the first page? So, because Mike didn't have an autopsy, I didn't have that. We just had the death certificate and it had the cause of death as pulmonary embolism and that was basically. You know all that was on there. Yeah, that's what it was, though I know that's what it was just from talking to the doctor and the.
Speaker 1:Sometimes he was experiencing that, more your gut feeling and saying that then you're, you're on point right. No, I knew I mean his doctor he'd been. He was mike was very good about going to the doctor for, you know, regular checkups, and he had just had an ekg and you and the doctor said his heart was strong. He's like I don't think it was a heart attack. You know. He said was he grasping at his left side? Was he holding his arm or his left side? I said no, he just kept saying I can't breathe, I can't breathe and he collapsed and I tried to get him to lay down on the bed and when he laid down on the bed he said it was worse, it hurt worse, so he sat back up. So after he sat back up, then he just kind of collapsed and fell onto the ground, the floor, the bed, what do you call it? The bedroom floor, yeah, the bedroom floor. And he just kept saying he couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe.
Speaker 1:So you know, when I talked to the doctor, the doctor was like he, it wasn't a heart attack based on the symptoms. I don't think it was a heart attack based on his history. I know his history. I don't think it was a heart attack. He said it sounds like a pulmonary embolism, so blood clot to the lung, basically what it is blood clot to the lung. And they said, if, if you, they, you know, the EMTs and the ambulance, everybody was there, the police and the fire and everybody who was there Slow down in Aruba County, I don't know A lot of people came. Yeah, they basically said if you're okay with that, you know, mrs Miles, if you agree with with the doctor, then that's what we'll put on the death certificate, that's what you know. We'll certify that that was his cause of death and he does not have to have an autopsy. And I said I don't want to have an autopsy.
Speaker 1:So he went straight to the funeral home and, on a side note, my mom, my dad, worked for a few months. My I bet my dad has is a jack-of-all-trades. He has done every job you can imagine. Want to do the Christmas tree farm? Yeah, he ran a Christmas tree lot for a friend who had a Christmas tree farm. I love that, I know, and he did it for gosh 30 years For as long as I can remember. He helped put in work, for not only did he work for Long Fence but he worked for a company that put in fencing. So he did fencing on the weekends and then he had his full-time job and then he delivered flowers. He worked at a liquor store and he worked for a funeral home and he worked for a funeral home and that was his job. He would go and pick the bodies up for the funeral home. That was what he did.
Speaker 1:I'm going to tell you, two very strong ladies came in and carried my gal strong ladies, I swear to god. When they walked in there were tiny little things and I was like I don't think they're going to be able to carry him down the steps and out the door. Sure enough they did. Wow, they were little. I was like I don't think they did, because you know, mike weighed 200 pounds alive. So you're thinking 200 pounds of dead weight, that's heavy. They did it but anyway. But I am glad that I did not have to go through that autopsy process, because I'm sure that was hard.
Speaker 1:I just hope my warning gets out there, because how long did something like that take? It took three weeks to almost a month, but that didn't hold up. The the services correct that you were arranging, okay, and the crazy thing is there's a million things that happened that were just off the chains. But ask you a question, sure, just related to if it takes three weeks to get the coroner's report, does that mean you didn't get an official death certificate for three weeks? Yeah, that puts a lot of stuff on hold. Yeah, at least that's what I remember.
Speaker 1:Oh, my god, I know there was an unusual situation. We have a novel or a book here. Yeah, the merry widows, the merry widows have a book, some very unmerry tales to tell and that. And I think I mean we did college. What to do if your spouse unexpectedly passes for dummies, because there are a lot of? She's been telling me that for years that I need to because you find so many things out on the fly, yes, like, yes, I mean, and it's things that you wouldn't even think of, that you wouldn't even think of Experience.
Speaker 1:What part you were getting ready to say something that happened. Oh, oh, oh, al, before he passed away, he had set up a situation where we were going to do something in Max's bathroom Put doors on his tub, whatever and they kept calling his phone, which was dead. We kept calling, calling, calling, and then I was like I knew that was a problem. So you know, like I don't know, I think it was, it was. It was like very soon, like I just found out what happened now. And he's like I called them and they're like we have been trying, like they came at me with spitfire.
Speaker 1:I was like we have been trying, they came at me with spitfire. I was like holy, go ahead, say your piece. He's dead. They're like what? And I'm like, yeah, next time you decide to talk to somebody like that, ask them what has been, why there may have been a holdup, ask them why they weren't answering the phone.
Speaker 1:And then they're like well, what happened? I'm like that's not. Even I didn't say it's not in business. I'm like this is what happened. Oh, no, no, I said I don't know it's still with the coroner. He's still with the coroner. Whatever, it was something like that.
Speaker 1:And I was like can we just, please, just get these installed and just end this? Aw, you poor thing. So you had to have them come out and do it anyway. I mean, I'm sure you wanted it done anyway, but right at that time, yes, and they're like the class has been sitting in their office for like three, eight months or whatever, I don't know and I was like I don't know what to tell you guys. But this is the stuff that pops up that makes you insane. It really does, especially because that was the furthest thing from your mind at that moment. Was you taking care of getting the glass doors put on the tub? I'm sure that was not a priority at that point. I didn't care, I just didn't care. I'm sure you weren't even thinking about it. You probably didn't even think about it so far in the back burners of your brain that you probably didn't. I mean, it certainly didn't pop up.
Speaker 1:And I have another question for you how long after al passed did you have to go back to work? I actually, I think I again, I don't remember, uh, I guess I don't remember much, but I remember going back, probably too soon. Those are the glory moments. There were blurry moments. But I have a girlfriend whose husband recently passed and she had to go to back to work after two weeks. That's probably that sounds about right, and it's been a struggle for her. It's been a, you know, rightly so. But and she said the same thing too soon I said why didn't you know?
Speaker 1:You you feel obligated, like because when you give birth. You have a lot amount of time and I think there's only so many hours that they give you that you feel safe with your job position. Well, that's why you have the fmla, the family, family friendly fsa, your fma fmla yeah, you have the FMLA, the family friendly FFA or FMA FMLA. Yeah, you have the family medical. You don't get paid. Well, that's not. I mean, if you have enough leave or you can use your leave in conjunction with leave, without pay. My HR skills are kicking in and everybody has the FMLA or FMA. What's FMA? Fmafma? What's FFMA? Friendly, family friendly, medical, something Never heard of it. So there's two different kinds.
Speaker 1:I had to have it for Max and I think one of them is for there are different situations, because you can use it for the birth of a child or the adoption of a child, taking care of a sick spouse, a sick family member. I'm familiar with FMLA, but not. There's two of them and they basically mean the same thing, but one of them you can use for yourself and one of them you can use for family. But it basically protects your job and you can take up to 12 months, 12 weeks, I'm sorry, 12 weeks in a calendar year and if you have enough leave, you can use your paid leave to do it. But most people don't have 12 weeks of paid leave sitting on the books. But you can invoke those rights and that time that you're out of the office is considered protective time. So if you're out the full 12 weeks in that calendar year, they can't hold it against you.
Speaker 1:So did you consider taking fmla going out any longer, or did you? I did what I had to do in order to get the job done, because there's a lot of money kind of a thing because people don't have me, but, but I remember my job, being so understanding, that was not a challenge. I told my boss where I work and he took it to HR and took care of it. I didn't have to do it. I mean, later on I had to fill out paperwork and do all that stuff. It was a huge relief that he took it and I think that's one reason why he reached out to me recently. He's no longer my boss now, but he still remembers that moment and I think it affected him too, right, so, cause I think he's just a little bit older than me and then I think he put himself in my place and realized, whoa, so that was never a problem.
Speaker 1:You know, it was something that I just realized is, I went on to my husband's Facebook page and I was like I still am married on Facebook, I'm still tied to him. And so I was like, okay, what happens if I put widow? And I put widow, and then I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, if you're a widow, then you have to do all of this other stuff to make the change. So I have to supply facebook with a death certificate and explanations before they can memorialize his site so no one can actually hack him. You know what I mean. Like, can you just ask to delete it? No, they won't do it. So they deleted no, they deleted my husbands, I'm gonna tell you.
Speaker 1:I kind of like, though, there being a place for people to memorialize that, right? Yeah, no, I asked, I'm kind of like around, so I tried to get my. You know I'm forever gonna be married to my my. Sorry, I can't access my facebook account. So if anybody looks you up, you're still Judy McDonald. Yeah, married to. That's why you all only we can take you out on Instagram. We can take you out, you can. Yeah, but no, I had Mike's deleted, but I understand you want to make his Al's more of a memorial type page. I had Mike's deleted and I actually. But I knew his code, I was, I was in his account, right. I probably pretended like I was him right and just said delete my account, right, so I can't get into my account. So I've had, thank god I could get rid of his account. I really wish somebody would get rid of my account and we have tried.
Speaker 1:On the numerous occasions I've had people report that my material is inappropriate, my pictures are inappropriate because of the one with me and him, um, and I'm like now I need to tap in. It's nothing. I mean, it's nothing risque or anything, but it's just. It's just all the happy pictures when I thought we were happily married, which I've come to find out we weren't and he faked it very well. But so my daughter's reported me dead. My friends have reported me dead and you know, talk about bad karma, right, I'm sure. I'm sure I'm trying everything to get them to shut down. I don't want them to put that out in the world. I'm just saying you know, and so it asks you if you, it asked her, if they want, if she, if she wanted it deleted. Or if she wanted a memorial page and she said, no, we just want to delete it. And or if she wanted a memorial page and she said, no, we just want to delete it. And he said, when she had to supply them with that certificate, and she she's like, well, we haven't gotten it yet, so it's still there. So it's still there, it's still active, and I probably have a bazillion I mean probably birthday wishes or whatever. I don't know. I, I can't access my. I don't have a Facebook account anymore because of that. He created a new one. I'm going to look you up. We're probably still friends, I don't know. Well, yeah, laura can look me up.
Speaker 1:I cannot believe where our life has taken us. Or this podcast. Who knows where this podcast will take us? Or this particular episode. I wonder what our listeners have gone through. Geez, if they're listening to us, they have had to bend through some life tragedy. I just hope that what we're doing and what we're talking about rings true and helps them find some peace. Oh my gosh, that's life we live and hopefully, you know, I think the biggest thing for me is it's kind of like you're not alone, exactly Just like when I was calling you Lori and tapping you on the arm, I was just kind of like I was still in shock.
Speaker 1:It had only been a month for me and I was still in shock. And I was like a month for me and I was still in shock and I was like and I had known you from the neighborhood and seeing you around or whatever, but you know we weren't friends then. But I was just in shock that six houses up you had experienced the same thing with another young husband, you know, and I was just in shock and to be able to reach out and be like I think we're going through similar things, it was important. I mean, I think it was really important and I think it was support, even though we didn't know each other before. We knew each other from saying hi, but we didn't know each other. Just, you know that support of we're living right down the street from each other and we're going through a very similar, the same situation you know some of the circumstances were different, but the same situation and being able to form a bond for support.
Speaker 1:Maybe, if people are listening to this, that they might not have the same level of support on the street. We're here, there's people going through the same things and we're all handling it as best we can. I hope not. I hope not. People are going through the third course. They're smarter than me. We have some advice on that too. Don't get married three times. Just don't do it. If you've done it twice and it didn't work out, you might just not be suited. Just saying Put a ring on it and call it a day, but don't say the I do's. Sorry, john Well Bridge, I am glad that you reached out, because we are human beings and that we really don't.
Speaker 1:We can't do it alone. How could you do this alone? You can't, you can't and no one should. Yeah, no, it's too overwhelming. It's overwhelming. Like we said earlier, there's so many things that you find out on the fly that you're like, oh, now I have to do this. Now I have to deal with bathroom doors and just the legal stuff. Now I have to do this. Now I have to deal with bathroom doors. You know, oh, my god, and just the and just the, the legal stuff.
Speaker 1:As far as like getting getting names removed, all the things, especially if you own things jointly and you know, and, and even like getting your Facebook shut down, you have to have a death certificate. Who knew? If you want to memorialize, if you want to memorialize it, if you want to memorialize it, if you don't have the login, it can't go in. You can pretend like you're them. I still have mail coming.
Speaker 1:Oh, my gosh, I got a jury summons for my husband. My husband I shouldn't say I got a jury summons. My husband got a jury summons. He's been dead two and a half years. Wow, wow, he just got summoned to jury duty. She'll write back. Can't make it, just put on their decease. Are you serious right now?
Speaker 1:And the thing that had me like so, like I can't believe this is because you have to file an estate account with the county. Yeah, it's the same county, so you know, I guess the registrar wills and the jury duty pool. They don't interact. They don't know that this dude is off. He's off the records for everything. You would have thought that they would have pulled his name out of the logarithm that pulls the name or the database that houses the names. And I had to get his names off of our vehicles. I had to take a death certificate to Motor Vehicle Administration. Aren't all these things connected, right? Apparently not. Apparently not. Well, yeah, because they're expecting him to call in two weeks and that might be a miracle. They're not going to call. He's not calling people and if he does, we're going to have to have a seance. He's not calling. I mean, it's just, it's crazy.
Speaker 1:So, even so, the point being, besides it being hilarious, two and a half years later I'm dealing with mail for my husband, and some would, some would consider important, some would not, but a jury summons two and a half years later. Well, now, and I know from my third marriage, his father had passed away and his mom was still receiving phone calls for spam, solicitations, for people calling wanting to talk to him, and he and he had been dead for eight years. He had been gone for eight years and the landline was still getting these robocalls for, you know, donations and charity things and stuff like that, and she was just like I remember grandma talking about that and it's like he's been gone. Well, honey, he's been dead for 10 years. Right as polite as she was, honey, oh, okay, honey, okay, bye. Put him on your do not call list. If the county judicial system calls. That's what I'm going to tell them, but they will probably call his cell phone number which is deactivated or it's going to somebody else now. Oh gosh, yeah, you're right.
Speaker 1:So you know it's been two and a half years, wonder? It took me about a year and a half. It took me about a year and a half to disconnect his cell phone. Same, yeah, I couldn't do it. I couldn't took me the longest time to take my mom's phone number and my husband had a different account. We didn't even have the same account and I continued to pay, yes, other accounts for his phone. Yep, why, I don't know why, for a year and a half, at least a year and a half.
Speaker 1:I remember I was talking about that and you were like, is it time? I'm like, well, and you were thinking it, it was time. I was like it was time a long time ago, bridge. I just wasn't going to say anything. The crazy thing is I was going to save his phone for in case Max breaks his, because it happens all of the time he's 18.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but now the phones, they just they're so advanced and they go out of what is it called? Go out of commission, right? So quickly that his phone is so outdated now, right, that it doesn't, especially if it doesn't 5G and all that. I have two phones for Mike. I have an iPhone 11 and an iPhone 12. Yeah, that are literally sitting in the tray on my coffee table. Why, organized? Why, yeah, I mean I didn't know what to do with it and and you're organized, why? I mean I didn't know what to do with it and then it's just there. If anyone knows what to do with these, yes, call into our podcast. I mean, they're just sitting there and I look at them and I'm like somebody might want this, but I don't know what.
Speaker 1:There used to be a program that collected phones and this was years ago for like women's shelters and battered women and stuff like that, and they would and they would and they would scrub the phones, they would delete all, they would delete everything and factory reset everything. And then I guess it was like the shelters and stuff that for the women and children who were battered and abused and stuff like that, they would take those phones and they would give them to, because you, we do pay into a fund to pay for services for people who can't afford phones, so you could always look into donating. Do I have to take the SIM card out? I have factory reset the phone. He's no longer logged in with his Apple ID, but his telephone number is still associated with it, even though the telephone is dead, because something happened and my sister was trying to do something and it said oh, this phone number is no longer in service, but it was still attached.
Speaker 1:Well, isn't that? That? Isn't that what the sim card is for? That's what I'm saying. Yeah, did you take that out? Well, I mean, if you go to a phone call, if you go to verizon, yeah, or go to your provider, whoever you, whoever the provider was and say you know, tell me, tell them, you have two phones and you'd like to donate them to whatever programs are out there, right, and and do I need to take the sim card out? Because I would assume that you're going to have to? I would say because that's, that's, that's the piece that has the phone number that connects that device to the provider, so you have to take it. So if you even had a Verizon and you took your phone to another provider, you would have to get the phone ported in or whatever. You're not porting the number anywhere, so you would probably just have to take that SIM card out. Something to look into. But yeah, something to look into because they're just sitting there staring at me.
Speaker 1:Well, things would have been a lot easier if I were able to unlock his phone, and back then it was absolute you cannot unlock his phone. You didn't know his passcode to his phone. No, max knows mine, so he didn't know every once. But lucky him. But nowadays you knew everything about your husband, which I'm sure made things easier. I have to laugh because I don't think the bank ever knew my first and second husband's signatures because I signed everything. Way to go.
Speaker 1:High five on that one. Why not? No, we are not. We are not condoning signature fraud. We are not condoning any illegal activities. We were married at the time. It's still illegal. You can't unlock phones. But I heard nowadays they can unlock phones easy, which was very frustrating to me. That's what I heard.
Speaker 1:I don't know if it's true. I don't know if that's true, but I don't know. I don't know if it's true. I don't know if that's true, I don't know. I think that's something that you are going to have to face when your spouse passes away. Is what you do with the phone, and do you or do you not have the passcode? I mean, it could make things your life a lot easier if you do. I don't know, and sometimes you just don't want to deal with it, so you might smash it with a hammer and take it to the dump. I have a mall in the basement, it is not. I'm not donning any destruction of property that does not belong to you. I mean it has been on my mind. Maybe I should just smash it up and take it to the dump. They recycle electronics. Yeah, well, there you go. I mean I don't know. I don't know. These are questions. These are all questions that we need to. But, yeah, those are really legitimate thoughts. That's what I'm saying. That's why I'm saying Almost. You're three years out. I'm almost three years out, still don't know what to do with the phones. I'm seeing bestseller.
Speaker 1:You can do the illustration of the smashed phone. I mean you gotta make it on a the late. The average person can read it. The average widow or whatever right can, can read it and know what to do. There's a lot. How about a meme that goes viral? I don't know. Is that something? Does it happen to a meme, with you smashing your deceased phone? The last act Of my life, the last act of my life? Well, that could go either way. We don't have to be widowed ladies. Alright, y'all Okay, alright. Well, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, for tuning in on episode five of two merry widows and twice divorcee. We will see you wednesday, every other see you then.